I'm not talking about these kinds of pirates.  If only they were this cute. I'm talking about PORCH PIRATES! They usually look strung out, with sunken eyes and missing teeth and bad skin. So, yeah... maybe kinda like a pirate. I used to think they were just called burglars, thieves, snatchers, jerks... but I was wrong. The media has started calling those dirtbags that steal packages from your front door "porch pirates".  Too cute of a name for lowlifes, if you ask me.

It's that time of year. I mean, these porch pirates steal stuff right off your deck year around, but it really cranks up now that we're getting into holiday shopping.  I've seen some creative deterrents, like this guy on YouTube who set up exploding packages to scare them.  I just saw a different video of a girl who logged into her Ring doorbell alarm thing and talked back to the thief as she was trying to steal the packages. The would be thief played it coy, by saying "oh, I thought this was Tammy's house, she wanted me to pick these up for her", or some other BS.

You have to wonder how many packages they steal that are really disappointing.  Like your Amazon order for toilet paper or plastic utensils or some other low-ticket item. Those Porch Pirates gotta be annoyed when that happens. I'm sure they dump your package in the trash when that occurs. Can't really pawn toilet paper for meth, can ya?

Thieves suck. That's all there is to it.  We work too hard to have lazy tweakers still our stuff. I'd like to fill some packages with dog crap, or a dead fish or something else nasty.  Give 'em a nice pirate surprise.

Next time,



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